The Tattie Test, Poetry by David Anderson

Genre: Funny, Family

The Tattie Test
by David Anderson

I peeled intently, with a small, sharp knife
Cutting out luminous poison,
thanks to another famous old wife.
It’s the green birth of a Sowetto grenade
or that stuff from which
amazonian darts can be made

To remove that peel in an unbroken whole,
achieve an illusive ‘all-in-oner’,
was essentially, my first and foremost goal.
A triumph of which to be hugely proud,
not some everyday occurrence, in fact
at that age, I would’ve shouted it loud.

Digging out those darkened mouldy spots,
was to break in to a world hitherto
unknown, to which end I knew not,
where would it lead? A trivial hole,
A day-surgery operation,
like the removal of a mole.

Maybe a massive excavation would unfold,
creating a tunnel to the other side
of that unexposed tater world.
Or, to realise the potato had died
Destined never to see chip-pan
perfection, never to become fried

Lost was I, in a tuber world of creation,
low down as I was in the heirarchy
of daily dinner preparation.
Young somehow for actual chip-chopping,
yet deemed old enough for all of the
Precut peeling and-a-washing.

I could never peel as Mum and Dad could,
believe, I tried as hard as I should,
they skinned them quick to creamy undercoat,
chopped them fast into D-day landing boats,
then tossed them in without a glance,
to join that already frenzied dance.

Such a quick and nonchalent manouevre,
They were just the same with the hoover,
I used to watch them with such awe,
telt myself ‘I’ll do that an’ ‘aw’.
‘Can I do that when I’m BIG enough?’
When they laughed, off I’d storm, in the huff.

As the chip pan sang out its excited song,
your belly knew then that it wouldn’t be long.
Lard magic transformed and tatties’ tantalised
Yet, a ‘head’ count somehow just never satisfied
there were too few of those silken submarines
For that skinny boy inside those grubby jeans

So, if you have you never been amazed
Peeled into a dreamy potato daze,
come to hearing ‘are you finished yet?’
waited, impatiently, for the plateful you’d get.
If to all this you cannot attest, then
You’ve failed this particular tattie test.

* * * * *
Deadline for FREE POETRY Festival – Get your poem made into a MOVIE and seen by 1000s. Three options to submit:
http://www.wildsound.ca/poetrycontest.html

WATCH this month’s poetry readings performed by professional actors:
http://www.wildsoundfestival.com/may_2015_poetry_readings.html