Genre: dark confessional
Dear Past Self
by Kris Dionio
Dear past self
I know you won’t believe it, but you’re flat out amazing
Just the way you are
Mom will tell you to lose some weight
And dad will try to convince you that you’re straight
And you will be consumed with self-deprecation
And I can help with the pain, sadness, and overbearing frustration
But I won’t
You’ll associate beauty with mountainous ribs and sharp hip bones and a protruding spine
Your parents will tell you that being queer is an outright sin
You’ll come out of the closet, only to be shoved right back in
You are going to hurt yourself because of this
You will be feeding yourself lies
And your stomach will yearn for something else to eat
And your hair will fall on the floor by your feet
And you will cry and cry over an unhealthy, unrealistic goal
But starving and purging will be the only ways that you’ll feel in control
You’ll work so hard to be size 0 thin
Just so you can feel comfortable in your skin
Then your parents will remind you why you hate being queer
Why you hate being here
God, you’re going to hate yourself
And so will your friends
It seems like after four years, it’s finally the end
You were always the problem that they didn’t want
Annoying, unstable, and downright naive
Their solution was simply to leave
And it’s all your fault
It was always your fault
You are going to hurt yourself
It won’t make sense at first
It still doesn’t today
But the optimistic kid who always had hope
Is now dependent on blades to help them cope
Your thick, pale thighs
Thin, frail wrists
And delicate white hips will be a horrible mess
Red lines haphazardly strewn on the surface of your skin
Up, down, left, right – they’ll point to everything except the answer
Suicide ideation contorts to contemplation
Self-harm just becomes another sensation
You’ll end up so desensitized
Your arms as red as your bloodshot eyes
And I’m sorry, because I could stop you
You will be pushing those who love you away
And choke on the words you were never able to say
And I’ll let you
You’ll have a crippling anxiety about practically everyone and everything
You will drown in the tears you that will shed
And convince yourself it’s not a problem if it’s “only in your head”
And I am so, so sorry
Dear past self, it will get harder
The future is a scary place
And there will be more battles that you’re gonna have to face
And I know you won’t believe this
Because I hardly do
But things will eventually get better for you
For us
-
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