Dear Past Self, Poetry by Kris Dionio

Genre: dark confessional

Dear Past Self
by Kris Dionio

Dear past self

I know you won’t believe it, but you’re flat out amazing

Just the way you are

Mom will tell you to lose some weight

And dad will try to convince you that you’re straight

And you will be consumed with self-deprecation

And I can help with the pain, sadness, and overbearing frustration

But I won’t

You’ll associate beauty with mountainous ribs and sharp hip bones and a protruding spine

Your parents will tell you that being queer is an outright sin

You’ll come out of the closet, only to be shoved right back in

You are going to hurt yourself because of this

You will be feeding yourself lies

And your stomach will yearn for something else to eat

And your hair will fall on the floor by your feet

And you will cry and cry over an unhealthy, unrealistic goal

But starving and purging will be the only ways that you’ll feel in control

You’ll work so hard to be size 0 thin

Just so you can feel comfortable in your skin

Then your parents will remind you why you hate being queer

Why you hate being here

God, you’re going to hate yourself

And so will your friends

It seems like after four years, it’s finally the end

You were always the problem that they didn’t want

Annoying, unstable, and downright naive

Their solution was simply to leave

And it’s all your fault

It was always your fault

You are going to hurt yourself

It won’t make sense at first

It still doesn’t today

But the optimistic kid who always had hope

Is now dependent on blades to help them cope

Your thick, pale thighs

Thin, frail wrists

And delicate white hips will be a horrible mess

Red lines haphazardly strewn on the surface of your skin

Up, down, left, right – they’ll point to everything except the answer

Suicide ideation contorts to contemplation

Self-harm just becomes another sensation

You’ll end up so desensitized

Your arms as red as your bloodshot eyes

And I’m sorry, because I could stop you

You will be pushing those who love you away

And choke on the words you were never able to say

And I’ll let you

You’ll have a crippling anxiety about practically everyone and everything

You will drown in the tears you that will shed

And convince yourself it’s not a problem if it’s “only in your head”

And I am so, so sorry

Dear past self, it will get harder

The future is a scary place

And there will be more battles that you’re gonna have to face

And I know you won’t believe this

Because I hardly do

But things will eventually get better for you

For us

    * * * * *

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